Thursday, April 10, 2014

Polyamorous? Me?

My journey into the world of Polyamory began a year ago when I developed feelings for a mutual friend of mine and my mate's. Little did I know that he too was developing feelings for this friend. At the time I approached him about bringing said friend in as part of our relationship. To love him as we love each other. Thinking on his limited and painful past, he said no. He was so angry I reacted by striving to not bring up anything new that he did not broach first. Time went by. Our relationship strengthened and we grew closer. Allowed ourselves to really trust each other.  I thought.

Recently, it came out that my mate did have feelings for him too. Now he is our mate. We're a Triad as I have learned it's called. I'm in love with both, but I'm afraid to love both. For months now I have had to suppress how I felt for Scruffy. Tails had been so angry when I had first brought up the possibility of loving Scruffy. I trust them on a very base level, but I'm afraid of that trust. Or maybe it's that I don't trust myself  I don't trust that I can be what both need. Or that I don't trust that I can hold their interest. I don't know.  I do know that it is very difficult for me to express myself without feeling I am whining or bitching.

I've longed for this, feeling so guilty for wanting it. Feeling as if i were cheating on Tails in my heart. With Scruffy. How do I let myself be happy? I have never been happy. Not truly happy. I'm terrified to reach for it and I know if I can not move past this fear...I will destroy our relationship. What do I do?

Please. No comments about how God is against this or anti-LGBT propaganda. This blog is for love and support and understanding. If you want to read about "Good Christian" things, please find a "Good Christian" blog, there are many out there. Thank you readers.

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