Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Getting there

I'm getting back on track with my meds which is really helping. I also got a hold of the doctor's office that handles my therapy. They said I should have a new therapist lined up by the end of the week. Fingers crossed because goodness knows I need it.  I also found out why I had not received my referral to a pain management office, apparently I was supposed to have a follow up with my regular doctor before I could get it. So I made that appointment. I'm also getting my messy room together which is relaxing the stress levels just a bit.  My lawyer for my SSI said I should get my appeal date soon. I sure hope so.   Well, that's an update on me. I'll post again soon my dear readers.

Sunday, April 20, 2014


I've been ill a lot lately. I don't like it. I feel weak and shaky. I've been off again on again with my meds too. I keep forgetting to take them. I asked for help with doing it right and well my help stopped. I don't know what to do to get myself right anymore. I need to go down and bug the doctors office. They have not gotten me a new therapist and I know that isn't helping. I'm so confused and tired. All the time I am tired. Most of the time I fake that I am fine but it has really caught up to me these days. I feel like I am crashing and burning with no way to stop. The more I try to organize and clean up my life the worse it gets. I slept all day yesterday. I don't know if it is because I am ill or depressed or both. I don't really know much of anything anymore. What kind of person lives like this?

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Loving Support

It is amazing how emotional women can be. We cry if we are happy, we cry if we are sad, we cry if we are angry. Wow, that's a lot of tears. You would think we would have to drink more water than men. Well, alright, not all women are like that, I am though. Seems I cry over almost everything. I cried today because I tried something kinda new to me and it hurt so I gave up. I have a very low pain tolerance so I may never be able to do what I tried.I'm not going to say what I tried, that's personal. Let's just leave it at the fact that it hurt. I felt like a major failure. I mean I gave birth to three children, why couldn't I work through this pain? The amazing thing is that my guys were very comforting and supportive. Not everyone can do it, or you have no reason to feel bad. I love those men. Everyone should have supportive SOs. Be it a guy, a girl, two guys, two girls, whatever. We all deserve this kind of love and support.  I hope you, my dear readers, can find that if you don't have it and can hold onto it if you do.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Misconceptions and Gentle Acceptions

Not too long ago, a very sweet, and very new friend commented that I should remember I may not always be Bipolar.  I am very sorry to have to write that as of today there is no known cure for Bipolar Disorder. It can be well managed with medication and Therapy, but sadly it will always be a part of the lives of those inflicted with it. As wonderful as it would be to be able to take a pill and suddenly no longer have it, those of us ill with it must accept it as a part of ourselves.  It only sets us up for failure to believe it will one day just go away. If we believe this then when we have our stretches of normalcy we may mistake it for being cured, go off our meds, stop therapy and end up hurting ourselves or others. We must be ever diligent to be sure we are under proper care and control to avoid such occurrences.

Another thing we must all accept, at least as far as I am concerned, is that we will never be "enough" for anyone else. We must learn to be enough for ourselves. Only then can we truly love and be loved. Seems I have a ways to go on this.

Until next time readers, I had best be on to other tasks. I will write again soon.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Polyamorous? Me?

My journey into the world of Polyamory began a year ago when I developed feelings for a mutual friend of mine and my mate's. Little did I know that he too was developing feelings for this friend. At the time I approached him about bringing said friend in as part of our relationship. To love him as we love each other. Thinking on his limited and painful past, he said no. He was so angry I reacted by striving to not bring up anything new that he did not broach first. Time went by. Our relationship strengthened and we grew closer. Allowed ourselves to really trust each other.  I thought.

Recently, it came out that my mate did have feelings for him too. Now he is our mate. We're a Triad as I have learned it's called. I'm in love with both, but I'm afraid to love both. For months now I have had to suppress how I felt for Scruffy. Tails had been so angry when I had first brought up the possibility of loving Scruffy. I trust them on a very base level, but I'm afraid of that trust. Or maybe it's that I don't trust myself  I don't trust that I can be what both need. Or that I don't trust that I can hold their interest. I don't know.  I do know that it is very difficult for me to express myself without feeling I am whining or bitching.

I've longed for this, feeling so guilty for wanting it. Feeling as if i were cheating on Tails in my heart. With Scruffy. How do I let myself be happy? I have never been happy. Not truly happy. I'm terrified to reach for it and I know if I can not move past this fear...I will destroy our relationship. What do I do?

Please. No comments about how God is against this or anti-LGBT propaganda. This blog is for love and support and understanding. If you want to read about "Good Christian" things, please find a "Good Christian" blog, there are many out there. Thank you readers.