Tuesday, January 28, 2014


Who knew getting hooked up to the important networks would be so much work? For the home network it wasn't that terribly difficult, but getting setup at Penn Valley, MCCKC sure took a bit.  54 minutes to be exact. Whew. It took some fancy type-work and mouse-play (giggle).  I love having my laptop. Hopefully I can keep up with my school work now.  I made the executive decision to drop Speech for now. I was just too confused to keep up.  Being Bipolar does not seem to agree with self-betterment. Oh well, I am determined to at least finish out this semester.  I can not let this illness win. I am unbeatable. I have to be.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Normal? No such thing.

I am in between classes right now. I'm sitting in the library, at one of their computers letting my thoughts run rampant through my head. I had read an entry on my favorite blog. Now that I think about it, I do not think I have been notified of a new post on that blog in quite some time....anyway, the post was about being normal or rather how we can't be normal because normal doesn't exist. It is so easy to think that but when everyone around you is asking why can't you be normal? Why can't you hold a job? Why are you so lazy? Why can't you finish a task?  It is so easy for those that do not live with my illness to judge me.  Right now my brain wants to sleep, read, sing, draw, run and hide all at the same time. I can't do all of them at once so I end up doing something entirely different. Writing on my blog.

Speech class wants us to give demonstration speeches in a week. I have ideas of what to do but can't seem to hold onto one idea long enough to flesh it out. What do I do? I am so lost. No one would understand if I tried to explain it to them. How do you tell someone that isn't sick about your symptoms? How do you explain that you feel like your bones are trying to vibrate their way out of your skin? How do you get them to understand that focusing on what they are saying is making you want to lay down and sleep even though you are so very interested? I can't, so I end up looking rude or selfish or even crazy. You can not be normal, there is no such thing.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A Great Disappointment for this Bisexual

For those who have read my blog before, you may remember my coming out a few months ago. I am 31 years old and only recently admitted, outside of my imagination, that I am in fact attracted to both men and women. I found a Gay-Straight Alliance to join, and that makes me happy.  I read Camp Kansas City every chance I get.  I was enjoying the feeling of being in a LGBT friendly community. Until crass, careless jokes about being Gay or Lesbian were uttered at a  table only a few feet away from me.  In my first class last semester, I had depicted Penn Valley as open-minded and welcoming because that was what I had felt when I visited during Ally Week.  These three men sat cracking jokes and laughing their heads off. I wanted so much to stand up and say something, but my throat contracted with tears and I found myself rushing off for the solace of one of the campus' restrooms.  After calming down I saw the men had gone from the cafeteria.  So, I chose to vent to you, my readers.  I do not understand how, so close to the obtainment of Civil Rights to all, we can still have biases and hateful. How can we claim to be a true melting pot of the world if we hate people for their gender, sexual preference, religion or other things that should be so easy to accept in a, "Oh you're ______? That's neat! I'm __________!" kind of way.

I am furthered saddened to know that racism is still raging through our once great nation. Yes, once great, but no longer, in my eyes.  How can we be great if our president speaks down about us to foreign countries? If we still rally against Marriage Equality?  If we still see a person's skin color, eye orientation, or accent and judge them before we even know them.  I understand caution but to condemn all for actions by a small sanction of their race, religion, creed, or whatever, is just wrong.  Why can I see it, but not everyone else?  I wrote an essay on how it is where I am from.  I felt it gave me a great opening to show how different every single town of our country can be.  In Richland, Washington, I was seen as an equal, a friend, a playmate (I was young then). In Belton, MO, I was invisible except to the police woman I met when I got lost.  In Kansas City, MO I found myself a victim of hate. Just because I am "White".  I'm sorry, I am not a color. I am a Human Being. As are all of you, my fine readers.  We all deserve to be treated with respect and to be given a chance to show our true selves to others and then be judged.  If you meat me, get to know me and find my ideals clash with yours, we should be able to accept our differences and move on.

It SHOULD be that simple.  I fear for my children and dread the future they may face as adults. Will it STILL be full of hate or will those in the movements for equality and acceptance have won their arguments? Only time will tell.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Relief, Sweet Relief!

Last time, I wrote about my fears and difficulties with not having everything I needed for my classes. Well, I found out I could go to the on campus bookstore and purchase most of what I needed using direct debit from my financial aid! I am extremely relieved. I hate being unprepared for classes. I have a deep rooted need to be as prepared as possible so as to reduce the likely-hood of my being singled out as lacking supplies.  I need a few more items for my drawing class but I will have to get those elsewhere. I have commandeered all of the available supplies the campus had available. Not it is just the waiting game for my financial to go direct deposit to my prepaid card.

The only major thing I feel shaky about is how I look. Am I dressed in fashion from oh, 6 years ago? The wrong colors? Do I put others off with my appearance? I want to appear approachable, friendly, and relaxed. At the same time I do not want to lose that soft edge of professionalism in my dress. Where is the line drawn between these two? How will I know if I go too far either way? I imagine by looking too professional I may be mistaken for one of the faculty, but would dressing too relaxed point me out as a loser, a layabout, or a trouble maker?  So I tread lightly.  Once my monies are freed up I plan to do a little clothing shopping. All the clothes I have now are old and, in my mind, childish. Who wants to wear T-shirts and jeans every day?  I prefer dresses and skirts. I will have to see what I can do to match my wardrobe to my expectations.

I also note a feeling of relief from being out of the house. I love my family, I really do, but sometimes their bickering can be down right depressing! I won't go into detail, the details are not mine to disclose. I am sure many of you understand what I mean though.  I know some fighting is healthy for a relationship, but constant or near constant is not healthy for anyone.  I work everyday to be less stressed and less aggressive in my communications with my friends and family.  As a sufferer of Bipolar, I find it difficult to control my anger, but anything worth doing is worth doing right. So, I keep on practicing controlling my words and attitude.
Until next time, breath, count to ten, go for a walk. What ever you need to keep your sanity.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Spring Semester and Financial Frustrations

Greetings readers! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season. Mine was fairly well. I received an A in the required Welcome to College course I took over the fall/winter. Spring semester starts on Monday and boy am I excited, well, a bit nervous too. It has been a long time since this blogger has been in a classroom. My history of classroom experience was far from positive. So, I am sure you can imagine my trepidation. I am set to take Fundamentals of Speech, Basic Math, Drawing 1, and Composition and Reading 1. Speech and Math worry me the most to be honest. I have never done well speaking in front of my peers and those older than me. Speaking to kids younger than me has always been easier.  That is why I want to teach young children about Art. They are less likely to be jaded towards the wonders of our vast world.  I am a bit worried about the drawing class as they will give us assigned things to draw and want them done certain ways, and eventually we will have to draw a person. I hope its not nude. If I want to see a naked woman I have a mirror, if I want to see a naked man I have my fiance. Oh well, I want to pass the class so I will do my best.

Financials.  I was served a few weeks ago with papers for child support. I find it atrocious. It was instigated by the state because my X has them getting TANF (cash assistance).  He swears he told them I have no job. Not for a lack of trying, I tell you.  I was told by people that interviewed me that I would only find work if I went back to school so I have. I am pursuing it using only Pell Grants at this time.It is the best way to start. I want to limit the amount of loans I end up having to take out. I am taking a good chunk of my classes at a community college (Penn Valley) before transferring to a university (UMKC). I hope to have my transfer credits completed in time for Spring of 2015.  In the mean time I am having to deal with convincing the people that I have nothing to give even though I greatly wish I could. You can not get blood from a turnip.  I hate not having income, but I have not received my SSI (which I would only keep until my schooling was done and I had work) nor do I have a job.  It kills me knowing I can do nothing when my kids need something. I have a hearing on the 16th, wish me well my readers.