Monday, December 29, 2014

An unexpected change

Where do I start? What do I leave out and what do I keep just for me to know and remember? When faced with social media so many of us forget that not everyone wants the world to know what is going on between the two of you. So when you make your posts please do not be like my ex-boyfriend, Tails. Keep your private affairs private. Now he is is in pain which has changed him. I acknowledge and accept my part in that.

Now I let go and look to the future. My future with Scruffy. Whatever may be, I've chosen my path and he walks beside me.

It is our decision to stay on at his parents' home, renting a room. We can save money here, we can be happy here without worrying over someone that just wants trouble. I may lose my best friend along with my ex but that is yet to be seen. She wants me back but I will not leave my Scruffy to go deal with her druggie ex that is living off of her. This is pretty much public knowledge stuff, she uses Facebook and is far from shy about posting her business.So, I am merely repeating what she has shared, in a way.

Saturday I have to go get my things.  I have to see Tails and try not to fight or cry or anything. Just get my stuff.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

First solo trip in a long time

Hello dear readers! I write to you from a small town near Springfield, MO. I am visiting my beloved Scruffy. A whole week with his family. What a delight it has been so far. My trip ends early Saturday.  I am absolutely charmed by his parents. It is going to crush a part of me I thought I had all locked up when I have to leave him behind. Its not the end of the world though. I will work out with his folks about getting him a ticket to visit me in February.  Yes, ticket. That's right my readers. Me, never leave the house alone, scaredy girl actually left the house and road Greyhound all the way down from Jefferson City, MO to see him. It took gumption, I tell you what. I would not trade this week for all the world....with one sad exception that would never happen that is.

I almost wish I lived here with them but that would mean leaving out our sweet Tails and I just could not do that to him. We both couldn't. We love him too much. It has to work out. It just has to.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Had a lazy day yesterday

So, today I I am working to make up for it.  I did some work on two of my earning sites and am here now writing this to you, my faithful readers.  The closer it gets to the 4th, the day I see my lawyer in preparation for my SSI hearing, the worse I seem to get. I'm a nervous wreck, barely sleeping, having trouble keeping food down thus barely eating...I know none of this is good but what am I to do if I do not get my SSI? I have no way to support myself.  I can not bare to be out of the house for a long amount of time. I am even having to take my anxiety pills at home now.  I fear I may need to check in a hospital for while. but I don't want to risk it at this point because my hearing is on the 15th. That is only 11 days after I see my lawyer. I am afraid.  Should I fail to get this...I fear being reliant on my mother for housing for goodness knows how long.  I love my mother, but I simply can not live this way for too much longer. It is making me worse.

Whew....well, with that unloaded, let me share a few happier or at least less dramatic things with you.

This is a little post I made about ears for Furs and non-Furs.

This is a little ramble about what Furs are.

Finally, this is a few lines about Plushies or stuffed animals as most know them.

For anyone looking to make some money just chatting check this out!

Friday, July 25, 2014

Poetry is in the air

Lately I have been seeing poetry everywhere. On facebook, on the library shelves, on blogger, and even on Bubblews.  I began writing for the last site not too long ago. I finally took the plunge and posted a poem there.  You can see it HERE.

When I was younger I would get my poetry published in what are called Coffee Table Volumes.  I gave that up because I never won any prizes and the books were far to expensive for me to get any to have. I used to dream of getting my poetry published in little books to sell, but I can't afford to self publish and try to sell them on my own. I don't know any publisher actively looking for poetry either. Even magazines are not really paying for poetry anymore.  I feel so sad that poetry is dying.  I will do my part to keep it alive. Even if no one anywhere likes my work.  I like it and that is what matters.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

What a day!

Let me give you a run down of how I stand on each of my earning sites as of today:

TrafficMagician: $1.955 cash earned in 2 DAYS! I have also earned a lot of different credits for advertising so I am one happy camper! Note they have a ten dollar minimum for withdrawal. Payments made to Paypal and Clickbank.

Probux: A fun paid to click. A slower earner than most programs but that is ok for me. $0.4070 earned so far, not sure how long I have been active there. They have a minimum payout of $5.00 and make payments to Paypal, Payza, and Netteller.

Neobux is another PTC site. I am not as active on this one as a few others I do. I have only earned $0.157 It's not that it is dull, rather I just happen to be more into a few of my other sites.

Bubblews is my absolute favorite site to work at this time. So far I have earned $4.36. I use Trafficmagician to halp build up my views. I think it is helping!  Min payout here is $50.00 to paypal.

On Wikinut I just got started. If you click the Blue word it will take you to the site to join under me which would be very helpful. You get paid to write. Really? Money for posting our thoughts on things? Yes! Similar to Bubblews only with more choices in set up and such. They make payments to Paypal. Must earn £5.00 minimum for payout.  They are a UK based site so there may be fees to change it to your local currency.

Lastly, I want to share my ultra favorite site. Birejji. This site gives you points to chat. when you get 10.00 points you can cashout to paypal for ten cents. For only 25.00 points you get a 25 cents. For 50.00 points you get 50 cents. For 100.00 points you get a dollar.  Also you can choose to get a 50 cent giftcard to amazon for 50.00 points or you can get Bitcoins 0.01 worth for 1.00 points. I have been paid the ten cents twice and currently have 7.30 points. So if you do not mind small payouts, this is a good site for people.

I hope this info helps you see that these sites are good. Have a great day

Good morning!

Hello all. I had a very rough night. I have not slept at all.  But I did not let the time go to waste. I have been working on several sites to earn money. Let me tell you a little about them.

First is a Paid to Chat site. It is very fun. The people there are very nice and usually keep the conversation moving along. If it slows down you can post questions for others to answer and that may prompt more talk. Here is my referral info:


I really enjoy talking with people here because they offer you their referral links to join other good paying sites.

Another site I am using now is called Probux.  It is a paid to click with tasks you can complete for more earnings!  I have found it very interesting so far.  Here is my reflink:


Now I would like to ask you to stop and take a look at this post I made on Bubblews

Thanks guys!

Monday, July 21, 2014

Apology and some news!

First I want to apologize to everyone for my being away.  I have trouble remembering everything I do so sometimes things get neglected. I know, that makes it sound like I am doing too much. I probably am, but that's how I am. Anyway, I'm sorry and I will try to post more often.

Now for the news! I recently began writing for Bubblews.  It is an interesting combination blog and social site.  Here is where it gets really good....IT PAYS YOU TO DO THIS!  I have seen many proofs of payment, I do not know if they are staged by the site or real, but I do know I enjoy writing articles for them.
I can't seem to find my referral link but you can join up just by going to http://www.Bubblews.com
You have to have a paypal account in order to get paid though so be sure you have a paypal.


Saturday, June 7, 2014

A Run in My Hose

Ya know what I absolutely hate about pantyhose? Eventually they give in an run. I have a favorite pair that are a lovely blue color and this morning they ran, not just a little line, but full blown running! A hole even! It's the size of a sand dollar :(  I am uncertain if I will be able to find a replacement pair and even if I do, when I would be able to buy them.  With such limited income on my part I feel bad whenever I have to sit and pick and choose what I can and cannot do. This economy really needs fixed so that we poor folk can survive. Can barely afford food for the month!

Monday, June 2, 2014

Can't say enough about Goodreads.com!

Hello my readers, loyal and fickle.

I know I have mentioned Goodreads.com before but I just have to reiterate how wonderful this site is to me. I love being able to win new books for free, and being able to review them makes it so much fun. The site also allows me to be able to track the books I have or have not read, that way I do not have to try to remember. If I need a new book to read I simply open Goodreads and the library's site then set to work requesting books from my I want to read list.  I have been discovering Authors I never knew about and stories I might never have read on my own. Bored? Need something to challenge your mind? Pick up a book and be sure to let us all know how you felt about it on Goodreads.com

Friday, May 9, 2014

More on the mistreatment of LGBT Community Members

It was brought to my attention that in my last post I did not go into this beyond my own experiences. While my own mistreatment by my family is a good example let's look further.

Many, if not most, people are raised to believe that being anything except "straight" is "bad" or "wrong" or even "evil" or "sick". Personally I believe this is where the mistreatment begins. Parents give their child the idea that they are these things if they do not like the "right" gender or just the one, opposite, gender.  I am sure most of us in the Community knows how damaging this is to a child's self-image. Parents who do not discuss "right" gender attention, or even gender associate (such as "boy" colors vs "girl" colors) find they tend to have much healthier (mentally and emotionally) children.  It starts very young.  A parent that tells their son not to play with dolls or tell their daughter not to play with cars or super heroes is telling their child that what they like is wrong. This leads to children wondering what is "right" about themselves.  This sets the child up to be uncertain in anything they are left to decide on their own. They then tend to let others tell them what is the "right" thing to do. That is how peer pressure was invented. By the first parent that told their child what they liked was wrong leading to the child not knowing what to like. Because different families can have different values this leaves the child open to doing the "wrong" thing. Wrong to the parent and sometimes the law.

As a LGBT youth grows up they either suppress who they are to where they really don't know anymore, or they pretend which leads to the hurting of others. It can also lead to them bullying those that are far more comfortable with themselves. A self-hate which they project onto others to ease their own confused pain. Parents must learn to be more accepting otherwise this cycle will never end.

On the same line of thinking, parents of straight children who teach their children that being LGBT is the above mentioned things set them up to ostracize their peers for being who they were born to be. The torment experienced in late elementary, middle, and high school can be as simple as name calling to property destruction to as severe as physical harm or even death. Be it at the hands of the other children or themselves.

As adults those brought up to hate or fear the Community tend to write laws that are unfair, continue the name calling, harassing and even worse. When I say worse I mean cornering a gay man in an alleyway and beating him to death. Or raping a lesbian to "teach her to love it". "It" being sex with a man instead of a woman.  Though very rarely reported there have been gay men raped by angry women who are trying to "fix" them.  There is nothing to fix, for we are not broken. There is nothing more wrong with us than straights. We all suffer the same illnesses, the same daily struggles with finances and worries. We all just want to be loved and accepted.  In countries outside the US they are passing laws to make genocide of the LGBTs in THEIR countries legal. Anyone caught being LGBT is labeled a criminal. Not that long ago gays in the US were labeled criminals for acts performed withing their OWN homes. They were sent to jail if there was proof they were having physical relations with their partners. It did not matter that both were consenting adults. It was "wrong" so they had to be punished.

Religious people will be quick to point out in the Old Testament it is said that it is a sin to lay with man as with woman.  Yet, in the entire Bible there are more references to the sin of Divorce than that of being gay. It was pointed out to me that Solomon and David (I believe) were blessed in their union by God.  If anyone knows this reference please share it.

People are tormented, tortured and killed daily just for loving people. It should not matter if they are Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, Straight, Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, Transsexual, Cross-dressers, or whatever. What should matter is that they love instead of hate.

My dear readers, please. Teach love and acceptance. Not hate and fear.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Mistreatment, Mental Health, and the LGBT Community

My name is Kat, I am Bisexual, and I suffer from Mental Illness. I grew up in a house of abuse. I married and left an abusive man.  I am one of many faces of the ill, poorly treated LGBT community.  For many of us it begins with family. For others it begins with those they thought were friends. For still many more, it begins with strangers. The question is why? The answer is far from simple.

Straight people expect everyone to be supportive of them in their darkest hour, yet many of them turn on their LGBT friends when they come out to them, in need of love, support and understanding. We are wounded the worst when we are at our most vulnerable. It is hypocritical. It is hateful. It is the worst nightmare anyone could have.  When I came out on this blog, my mother read it and that was how she found out. To be honest I had no intention of ever telling my parents because I knew what they think and feel about being gay or bisexual.  My mother actually asked if I hated them. If I had wrote it to get more readers. When it came up during the outing of one of my guys being a cross-dresser...I should have known not to tell her but she had asked what kind of things he likes.  She had the nerve to ask me why it didn't make me sick! When I told her: Well, you know how I am. She replied that yes, she knew but we don't talk about it. As if it were a dirty secret that should be kept from everyone. She has accused him of being gay. She asked if he was also bisexual. I said no firmly, but that was a lie. I could not tell her the truth. I know she would have made him leave.

I need him and he needs me. We fulfill each other and comfort each other in was our families never have. Why would I risk that? I had already risked enough telling her he enjoys dressing like a girl.

I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (syndrome? I can never remember) and Major Depressive Disorder.  I often feel empty and alone, but my sweet mate always keeps me from falling over the edge into the dark abyss. Why is it that people like me can usually only find solace in the arms of another LGBT? Even my best friend is a bit questioning. At one time she had an online girlfriend. I supported her, but she was lost and grabbing onto people as lifelines. Not the right reason to have a relationship.  I am so very happy she has found herself a good man (there are good women too, not to say there aren't).  Everyone needs someone that truly loves them. Especially when they cannot love themselves.

My dear readers, if you know someone who is suffering from Mental Illness, whether they are straight, gay, bi, whatever. Hug them. Tell them you care. It could make the difference between choosing to live or letting go of life.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Best Crafts: Sent and Received

Good morning my wonderful readers!  This post is part of a swap I am doing for swap-bot .  One of my partners has requested that I write and share about the best craft I ever made/gave and received.  She requested I post photos. This is going to be fun!

First the best I ever made. I have done a lot over the years.  Sadly I did not get photos of everything,so some are lost to me forever. However I do have some photos.


This is Blizzard. I custom made him from a Mountain Brothers My Little Pony from the 80s.  I first washed his mane and tail. Combed them and braided them to help not get the hair into the paint.  When I began his design I had planned on using silver for the snow and gold for his body color, however,that just looked gaudy when I tested the scheme on paper. I ended up with Black and White. I think the overall effect is heartwarming.  I actually sold this piece on Ebay to a collector who had a very nice MLP collection.

Now for the best craft I ever received.  I took part in a pay it forward game on ATCsforall and I got this lovely ATC from Belinda S. From Pennsylvania. Isn't it just lovely?


I adore Unicorns and I have to say this is the best one I have ever been given. I have never tried this style,but I am thinking of cultivating some of the strokes and lines used here. Making ATCs and trading them is a lot of fun and I hope more people try it out. There are so many styles and types of ATCs that anyone can do it.

Well, that is all I can think of to say about these. I hope you enjoyed the post my readers. Until my next writing, be creative <3

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Getting there

I'm getting back on track with my meds which is really helping. I also got a hold of the doctor's office that handles my therapy. They said I should have a new therapist lined up by the end of the week. Fingers crossed because goodness knows I need it.  I also found out why I had not received my referral to a pain management office, apparently I was supposed to have a follow up with my regular doctor before I could get it. So I made that appointment. I'm also getting my messy room together which is relaxing the stress levels just a bit.  My lawyer for my SSI said I should get my appeal date soon. I sure hope so.   Well, that's an update on me. I'll post again soon my dear readers.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Lost

I've been ill a lot lately. I don't like it. I feel weak and shaky. I've been off again on again with my meds too. I keep forgetting to take them. I asked for help with doing it right and well my help stopped. I don't know what to do to get myself right anymore. I need to go down and bug the doctors office. They have not gotten me a new therapist and I know that isn't helping. I'm so confused and tired. All the time I am tired. Most of the time I fake that I am fine but it has really caught up to me these days. I feel like I am crashing and burning with no way to stop. The more I try to organize and clean up my life the worse it gets. I slept all day yesterday. I don't know if it is because I am ill or depressed or both. I don't really know much of anything anymore. What kind of person lives like this?

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Loving Support

It is amazing how emotional women can be. We cry if we are happy, we cry if we are sad, we cry if we are angry. Wow, that's a lot of tears. You would think we would have to drink more water than men. Well, alright, not all women are like that, I am though. Seems I cry over almost everything. I cried today because I tried something kinda new to me and it hurt so I gave up. I have a very low pain tolerance so I may never be able to do what I tried.I'm not going to say what I tried, that's personal. Let's just leave it at the fact that it hurt. I felt like a major failure. I mean I gave birth to three children, why couldn't I work through this pain? The amazing thing is that my guys were very comforting and supportive. Not everyone can do it, or you have no reason to feel bad. I love those men. Everyone should have supportive SOs. Be it a guy, a girl, two guys, two girls, whatever. We all deserve this kind of love and support.  I hope you, my dear readers, can find that if you don't have it and can hold onto it if you do.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Misconceptions and Gentle Acceptions

Not too long ago, a very sweet, and very new friend commented that I should remember I may not always be Bipolar.  I am very sorry to have to write that as of today there is no known cure for Bipolar Disorder. It can be well managed with medication and Therapy, but sadly it will always be a part of the lives of those inflicted with it. As wonderful as it would be to be able to take a pill and suddenly no longer have it, those of us ill with it must accept it as a part of ourselves.  It only sets us up for failure to believe it will one day just go away. If we believe this then when we have our stretches of normalcy we may mistake it for being cured, go off our meds, stop therapy and end up hurting ourselves or others. We must be ever diligent to be sure we are under proper care and control to avoid such occurrences.

Another thing we must all accept, at least as far as I am concerned, is that we will never be "enough" for anyone else. We must learn to be enough for ourselves. Only then can we truly love and be loved. Seems I have a ways to go on this.

Until next time readers, I had best be on to other tasks. I will write again soon.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Polyamorous? Me?

My journey into the world of Polyamory began a year ago when I developed feelings for a mutual friend of mine and my mate's. Little did I know that he too was developing feelings for this friend. At the time I approached him about bringing said friend in as part of our relationship. To love him as we love each other. Thinking on his limited and painful past, he said no. He was so angry I reacted by striving to not bring up anything new that he did not broach first. Time went by. Our relationship strengthened and we grew closer. Allowed ourselves to really trust each other.  I thought.

Recently, it came out that my mate did have feelings for him too. Now he is our mate. We're a Triad as I have learned it's called. I'm in love with both, but I'm afraid to love both. For months now I have had to suppress how I felt for Scruffy. Tails had been so angry when I had first brought up the possibility of loving Scruffy. I trust them on a very base level, but I'm afraid of that trust. Or maybe it's that I don't trust myself  I don't trust that I can be what both need. Or that I don't trust that I can hold their interest. I don't know.  I do know that it is very difficult for me to express myself without feeling I am whining or bitching.

I've longed for this, feeling so guilty for wanting it. Feeling as if i were cheating on Tails in my heart. With Scruffy. How do I let myself be happy? I have never been happy. Not truly happy. I'm terrified to reach for it and I know if I can not move past this fear...I will destroy our relationship. What do I do?

Please. No comments about how God is against this or anti-LGBT propaganda. This blog is for love and support and understanding. If you want to read about "Good Christian" things, please find a "Good Christian" blog, there are many out there. Thank you readers.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Quotes Fun

I signed up for a swap on swap-bot.com and it was to send each partner 25 different quotes.  These are the first 25 I received today from one of the people that were to send to me:

1.“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” - John Quincy Adams

2.“Duty is ours; results are God's” - John Quincy Adams

3.“Happiness is not the absence of problems; it's the ability to deal with them.” - Steve Maraboli

4.“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” - Aristotle Onassis

5.“Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find another way. And don't pray when it rains if you 
don't pray when the sun shines.” - Richard M. Nixon

6.“If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.” - Bob Hope

7.“For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and everyone who humbles himself will be exalted.” - Jesus Christ

8.“A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night.” - Marilyn Monroe

9.“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” - William Shakespeare

10.“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” - Aristotle

11.“There can be no keener revelation of a society's soul than the way in which it treats its children.” - Nelson Mandela

12.“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” - Mahatma Gandhi

13.“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” -Buddha

14.“Love life, engage in it, give it all you’ve got. Love it with a passion, because life truly does give back, many times over, what you put into it”- Maya Angelou

15.“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” - Abraham Lincoln

16.“Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence.” - Leonardo da Vinci

17.”When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.” - Jimi Hendrix

18.“I am as bad as the worst, but, thank God, I am as good as the best.” - Walt Whitman

19.“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” - Oprah Winfrey

20.“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” - Edgar Allan Poe

21.“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.” - Erma Bombeck

22.“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.”  - Coco Chanel

23.“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.” - George Carlin

24.“I am at peace with God. My conflict is with Man.” - Charlie Chaplin

25. “Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” - Confucius

These are the second set I received so far:


“I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise that it won’t be boring.”-David Bowie
“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give you, you’re not worthy…truth is, everyone is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”-Bob Marley
“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these 3 things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”-Maya Angelou
"If you are not enjoying something, it’s almost always because you are doing it too fast.”-Donna Tartt
“Beauty is rarely soft or consolatory. Quite the contrary. Genuine beauty is always quite alarming.”-Donna Tartt
“She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there, leaning on the balcony, holding the universe together.”-J.D. Salinger
“I always find beauty in things that are odd and imperfect-they are much more interesting.”-Marc Jacobs
“If you knew time as well as I do, you would not talk about wasting it.”-The Mad Hatter, Lewis Carroll
“I know I'm an acquired taste: I'm anchovies. And not everyone wants those hairy little things. If I was potato chips, I could go more places.” -Tori Amos
“I wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about.”-Chuck Palahniuk
“There he goes - one of God's own prototypes - a high powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.”-Raul Duke, Hunter S. Thompson
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’”-Jack Kerouac
“It's not that I literally think I'm a faerie. It's just that I feel so different from most people. And this idea of a race living underground in caverns, spending all their days dancing and playing the fiddle and eating flowers and reciting poetry and sharing their dreams, that to me sounds much more real than the way people live in this world, hating and fighting and wanting and hurting.”- Francesca Lia Block
“The time has come to find a way of thinking about spirituality and ethics that is beyond religion.”-His Holiness the 14th Dali Lama
“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.” -E.L. Doctorow
"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." - Mohandas Gandhi
"He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which."-Douglas Adams
"What I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that though I do not know you and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."-Valerie from V for Vendetta
“I wonder how many people I’ve looked at my entire life and never seen.”-John Steinbeck
“What on earth could be more luxurious than a sofa, a book, and a cup of coffee?”-Anthony Trollope
“No one is born hating another person because of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than it’s opposite.”-Nelson Mandela
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”-Dr. Suess
“Don’t save something for a special occasion. Every day of your life is a special occasion.”-Thomas S. Monson
“I prefer crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter.”-Paulo Coelho

“The work that you do while you procrastinate is probably the work you should be doing for the rest of your life.”-Jessica Hische

I just got these too:

1.  "Think happy thoughts and they will shine from your face like sunbeams." - Roald Dahl
 
2.  "A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in." -  Greek Proverb
 
3.  "Too much of a good thing is wonderful." - Mae West
 
4.  "When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person that walked in.  That's what the storm is all about." - Haruki Marakami
 
5.  "Forever - is composed of nows." - Emily Dickinson
 
6.  "Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been." - Mark Twain
 
7.  "We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children." - Native American
 
8.  "There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein
 
9.  "Some people look for a beautiful place.  Others make a place beautiful." - Hazrat Inavat Khan
 
10.  "Be kind whenever possible.  It is always possible." - Dalai Lama
 
11.  "Always bring your own sunshine." - Anthony D'Angelo
 
12.  "We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." - Abraham Lincoln
 
13.  "Not all those who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien
 
14.  "The grass is greener where you water it." - Neil Barringham
 
15.  "Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened."  - Dr. Seuss
 
16.  "A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for everything." - Irish Proverb
 
17.  "The whole earth was brimming sunshine that morning.  She tripped along, the clear sky pouring liquid blue into her soul." - Theodore Dreiser
 
18.  "Have the maturity to know that sometimes silence is more powerful than having the last word." - Thema Davis
 
19.  "When you're curious, you find lots of interesting things to do." - Walt Disney
 
20.  "In the end it is the person you have become, not the things you have achieved, that is the most important." - Les Brown
 
21.  "I wish to live a life that causes my soul to dance inside my body." - Dele Olanubi
 
22.  "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded." - Ralph Waldo Emerson 
 
23.  "Sometimes people are beautiful.  Not in looks, not in what they say, just in what they are." - Markus Zusak
 
24.  "When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears." - Tony Robbins
 
25.  "The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." - Mark Twain

Feel free to use these when you need to say something to someone without knowing how to say it. They are great, I think, for handmade cards too.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Goodreads comes through!

I had joined Goodreads.com to track the books I had read, to be able to rate and review them, and keep a to read list. I discovered they had drawings for free books. 6 out of 7 days they said I had won a book. I got the very first one today, so I can attest to the legitimacy  of these contests!  I would recommend Goodreads to anyone that reads. They also allowed me to set a goal of how many books I will read this year. I said 100. I have read close to 20 so far.

What goals do you have for this year?

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Comforting quotes

There is a lot to be said about a well worded quote. The kind that can wrap you up in the warmth of emotional support and comfort. I have found two that gave me this exact feeling. I would like to share them with all of you, if I may. No objections? Good, then here they are. Enjoy as I have.


The first gives me comfort because others with Bipolar had shared it first on Facebook. It was good to see others acknowledge that they also live with this illness and try everyday to overcome it or accept it as part of life. Power to the people that recognize that not all debilitating illnesses are visible at a glance.

This one makes me think about who I am. I often find myself in a dark place where I can no longer see the light of the true me. This confirms how brave I must be to keep fighting my way out of the darkness and back to my inner light. It is never an easy battle as so many wish to think it is. How often do we hear or say something like: Get out of the house then you won't be depressed. Or: You choose how to live each day so if you feel that way, you must have chosen it.  These well meaning phrases do the opposite of what is intended. Instead of inspiring us to do better or choose differently it triggers a spiral downward, we drown in our self-doubts and failures. Give us a life jacket instead. Sit and hug us. Join us in a dark moment offering your quiet support and love. That is what we really need, not your unintended belittling.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

An unsurprising let down

It came as no real surprise when my ex-husband called stating they had car trouble and thus the kids would not be able to visit after all.  Here I had had the hope of 5 wonderful days with my children, but alas twas not to be.  My mother of course doesn't believe they had car trouble, however she does admit that she is mad at the world in her grief for my father.  My father passed away February 1st, 2014. It has left us all reeling a little bit.  On a happy note the thought of them coming spurred me into cleaning up my room better, so now it is fairly good. I will work on organizing and getting rid of any trash stashed in my shelves and such. I want to start gardening so bad, unfortunately it keeps raining almost every other day. Need the ground to be dry or I will end up with a muddy, sticky mess. Missouri soil has a lot of clay here and there and messing with a mix like that while wet is just begging for trouble. Fingers crossed that the rain misses us tonight.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Books are an escape

Have you ever wanted to escape reality even if it were only for an hour or so? I do, quite often. Want to know how I do it? Nope, not my imagination. No way, I don't do drugs. Uh-uh, no drinking either. I use books. I have found that I can get so into what the book is talking about that I lose track of time. I read just about everything I can get my hands onto. Currently I am reading Lost in the Mirror by Richard Moskovitz, M.D.  It's all about Borderline Personality Disorder. I have one doctor telling me I have this disorder. The others say two different kinds of bipolar. If they can't agree then why not believe I have them all just to be safe. So, I read and read and read some more.  So far I like this book, it's kind of laid back and not entirely clinical. Most of it is easy to understand. I would highly recommend finding a SAFE hobby to lose yourself in. Be it books, forums online, computer/internet games, or video games. Just remember, your life is precious and you should cherish it by doing everything you can to stay healthy. Until next time, happy reading!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Wired

Who knew getting hooked up to the important networks would be so much work? For the home network it wasn't that terribly difficult, but getting setup at Penn Valley, MCCKC sure took a bit.  54 minutes to be exact. Whew. It took some fancy type-work and mouse-play (giggle).  I love having my laptop. Hopefully I can keep up with my school work now.  I made the executive decision to drop Speech for now. I was just too confused to keep up.  Being Bipolar does not seem to agree with self-betterment. Oh well, I am determined to at least finish out this semester.  I can not let this illness win. I am unbeatable. I have to be.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Normal? No such thing.

I am in between classes right now. I'm sitting in the library, at one of their computers letting my thoughts run rampant through my head. I had read an entry on my favorite blog. Now that I think about it, I do not think I have been notified of a new post on that blog in quite some time....anyway, the post was about being normal or rather how we can't be normal because normal doesn't exist. It is so easy to think that but when everyone around you is asking why can't you be normal? Why can't you hold a job? Why are you so lazy? Why can't you finish a task?  It is so easy for those that do not live with my illness to judge me.  Right now my brain wants to sleep, read, sing, draw, run and hide all at the same time. I can't do all of them at once so I end up doing something entirely different. Writing on my blog.

Speech class wants us to give demonstration speeches in a week. I have ideas of what to do but can't seem to hold onto one idea long enough to flesh it out. What do I do? I am so lost. No one would understand if I tried to explain it to them. How do you tell someone that isn't sick about your symptoms? How do you explain that you feel like your bones are trying to vibrate their way out of your skin? How do you get them to understand that focusing on what they are saying is making you want to lay down and sleep even though you are so very interested? I can't, so I end up looking rude or selfish or even crazy. You can not be normal, there is no such thing.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A Great Disappointment for this Bisexual

For those who have read my blog before, you may remember my coming out a few months ago. I am 31 years old and only recently admitted, outside of my imagination, that I am in fact attracted to both men and women. I found a Gay-Straight Alliance to join, and that makes me happy.  I read Camp Kansas City every chance I get.  I was enjoying the feeling of being in a LGBT friendly community. Until crass, careless jokes about being Gay or Lesbian were uttered at a  table only a few feet away from me.  In my first class last semester, I had depicted Penn Valley as open-minded and welcoming because that was what I had felt when I visited during Ally Week.  These three men sat cracking jokes and laughing their heads off. I wanted so much to stand up and say something, but my throat contracted with tears and I found myself rushing off for the solace of one of the campus' restrooms.  After calming down I saw the men had gone from the cafeteria.  So, I chose to vent to you, my readers.  I do not understand how, so close to the obtainment of Civil Rights to all, we can still have biases and hateful. How can we claim to be a true melting pot of the world if we hate people for their gender, sexual preference, religion or other things that should be so easy to accept in a, "Oh you're ______? That's neat! I'm __________!" kind of way.

I am furthered saddened to know that racism is still raging through our once great nation. Yes, once great, but no longer, in my eyes.  How can we be great if our president speaks down about us to foreign countries? If we still rally against Marriage Equality?  If we still see a person's skin color, eye orientation, or accent and judge them before we even know them.  I understand caution but to condemn all for actions by a small sanction of their race, religion, creed, or whatever, is just wrong.  Why can I see it, but not everyone else?  I wrote an essay on how it is where I am from.  I felt it gave me a great opening to show how different every single town of our country can be.  In Richland, Washington, I was seen as an equal, a friend, a playmate (I was young then). In Belton, MO, I was invisible except to the police woman I met when I got lost.  In Kansas City, MO I found myself a victim of hate. Just because I am "White".  I'm sorry, I am not a color. I am a Human Being. As are all of you, my fine readers.  We all deserve to be treated with respect and to be given a chance to show our true selves to others and then be judged.  If you meat me, get to know me and find my ideals clash with yours, we should be able to accept our differences and move on.

It SHOULD be that simple.  I fear for my children and dread the future they may face as adults. Will it STILL be full of hate or will those in the movements for equality and acceptance have won their arguments? Only time will tell.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Relief, Sweet Relief!

Last time, I wrote about my fears and difficulties with not having everything I needed for my classes. Well, I found out I could go to the on campus bookstore and purchase most of what I needed using direct debit from my financial aid! I am extremely relieved. I hate being unprepared for classes. I have a deep rooted need to be as prepared as possible so as to reduce the likely-hood of my being singled out as lacking supplies.  I need a few more items for my drawing class but I will have to get those elsewhere. I have commandeered all of the available supplies the campus had available. Not it is just the waiting game for my financial to go direct deposit to my prepaid card.

The only major thing I feel shaky about is how I look. Am I dressed in fashion from oh, 6 years ago? The wrong colors? Do I put others off with my appearance? I want to appear approachable, friendly, and relaxed. At the same time I do not want to lose that soft edge of professionalism in my dress. Where is the line drawn between these two? How will I know if I go too far either way? I imagine by looking too professional I may be mistaken for one of the faculty, but would dressing too relaxed point me out as a loser, a layabout, or a trouble maker?  So I tread lightly.  Once my monies are freed up I plan to do a little clothing shopping. All the clothes I have now are old and, in my mind, childish. Who wants to wear T-shirts and jeans every day?  I prefer dresses and skirts. I will have to see what I can do to match my wardrobe to my expectations.

I also note a feeling of relief from being out of the house. I love my family, I really do, but sometimes their bickering can be down right depressing! I won't go into detail, the details are not mine to disclose. I am sure many of you understand what I mean though.  I know some fighting is healthy for a relationship, but constant or near constant is not healthy for anyone.  I work everyday to be less stressed and less aggressive in my communications with my friends and family.  As a sufferer of Bipolar, I find it difficult to control my anger, but anything worth doing is worth doing right. So, I keep on practicing controlling my words and attitude.
Until next time, breath, count to ten, go for a walk. What ever you need to keep your sanity.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Spring Semester and Financial Frustrations

Greetings readers! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season. Mine was fairly well. I received an A in the required Welcome to College course I took over the fall/winter. Spring semester starts on Monday and boy am I excited, well, a bit nervous too. It has been a long time since this blogger has been in a classroom. My history of classroom experience was far from positive. So, I am sure you can imagine my trepidation. I am set to take Fundamentals of Speech, Basic Math, Drawing 1, and Composition and Reading 1. Speech and Math worry me the most to be honest. I have never done well speaking in front of my peers and those older than me. Speaking to kids younger than me has always been easier.  That is why I want to teach young children about Art. They are less likely to be jaded towards the wonders of our vast world.  I am a bit worried about the drawing class as they will give us assigned things to draw and want them done certain ways, and eventually we will have to draw a person. I hope its not nude. If I want to see a naked woman I have a mirror, if I want to see a naked man I have my fiance. Oh well, I want to pass the class so I will do my best.

Financials.  I was served a few weeks ago with papers for child support. I find it atrocious. It was instigated by the state because my X has them getting TANF (cash assistance).  He swears he told them I have no job. Not for a lack of trying, I tell you.  I was told by people that interviewed me that I would only find work if I went back to school so I have. I am pursuing it using only Pell Grants at this time.It is the best way to start. I want to limit the amount of loans I end up having to take out. I am taking a good chunk of my classes at a community college (Penn Valley) before transferring to a university (UMKC). I hope to have my transfer credits completed in time for Spring of 2015.  In the mean time I am having to deal with convincing the people that I have nothing to give even though I greatly wish I could. You can not get blood from a turnip.  I hate not having income, but I have not received my SSI (which I would only keep until my schooling was done and I had work) nor do I have a job.  It kills me knowing I can do nothing when my kids need something. I have a hearing on the 16th, wish me well my readers.