Here it is the first of many Halloweens without my children. It feels like I have bugs crawling under my skin. I want to scratch but I know it won't help. So I don't. I have no costume, no party to attend, which is probably a good thing seeing how I feel. Part of me wants to lay down and do nothing, the other half wants to run around waving my arms and screaming maniacally through the streets. But I do neither. I know if I did the first people would be in my face about doing things. If I did the second I would get sent to the hospital again. All I know is I ache to hold my children, to hear their laughter, to play with them. I never played with them when they were little. I was too stuck in my own world. I had no right having kids but I would never give them up. I would not change my past for all the sanity in the world. I love the pain in my heart. It reminds me to look outward and not just live in my own secret world. It is sad that I lost everything I had loved for 11 years to find myself, but sometimes that is what happens.
If you are out there alone tonight, know there are others banding together in spirit to support each other. We are never truly alone. We need only stop, breathe and look around us to see those who love us. I know this now, sometimes, in my lowest moments I wish I had seen this sooner, but sometimes it takes hitting bottom to realize something is wrong with you and not everyone else.
I am still learning to take care of myself, but having blocked it for so long, I am struggling. I ask for help but rarely get it. I know I am supposed to be doing this on my own, but its so lonely and hard :( Don't get me wrong. I am happier now than I have ever been, I just get these moments where I wonder what the hello I am doing. Do I really want to go down this path? Ah, but I have no choice, I have no time machine to go back, and honestly I have no idea if I would want to or not.