Friday, August 23, 2013

Bipolar Saving...or not

I have such a hard time deciding what to do these days. I have barely any money which limits what I do, if I want to do something that takes more I have to save up. If I need something specific I have to save up. My biggest problem? Being bipolar I can barely control myself when it comes to money. I don't know what I am going to do to combat this problem.  I try keeping a budget but I lose the paper or forget to track things or forget I am doing one at all.  You see I need to save up money for bus fare so I can get to med appointments and therapy, but its so hard! I can only donate two days each week. I spend the weekend for now out and about with my fiance so I am in the right area to donate without having to use more money to get out there on donation days. So far that is not working out so well because I end up using money to help feed us or have blankets to stay warm in the park where we sleep. I can not have him where I stay because we are not yet married and my parents won't let him stay there. I can not stay where he is because he lives in a homeless shelter. We can not be together in a shelter because we are not married. We can not marry because I am still legally married to my X. I wish that would just go away but the simplest way to do that is to wave my rights to my kids. I refuse to do that. I just wish I knew what to do.

What makes it worse is that I am still mourning my marriage. Not the loss of my husband per se' but the loss of the future I would have had, the loss of that family bond, the loss of my children. Did I give up too much to be free? Did my illness drive me to think I needed to be free? Will I ever know the answers? I can't say, at the moment I feel a huge no building in my mind. However, I do love my fiance and I adore the future he offers me, I just wish I could force my X to let my future include my children.

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