Saturday, August 24, 2013

Engagement Announcement

I know I have mentioned my Fiance before in passing, but now that we are actually planning our wedding we felt it was time to introduce ourselves and announce this properly.

My Name is Katherine Evans and his is Taliesin Couch. He proposed February 3rd 2013 and we have set the date for June 21st 2015. We have chosen this date with so much time so that we can figure out how to pay for our wedding, you see I am disabled and he needs his GED in order to get work. I have not been able to put together enough for him to take the test much less for us to wed. That brings me to the other reason for this blog post. We need ideas on how to raise the money to 1. get his GED and 2. Have our wedding. So far we have budgeted out that we will need $2,000 or less for our wedding. Yes that is very cheap but the reason for that is that we will only have 35 guests or less. Such a small party does not require such great cost as an affair of 150 or more.

I am reading a book called Tie the Knot on a shoestring by Leah Ingram and even that makes it sound more expensive than we plan for. She does have some good ideas but still. I don't see much about how to get the money  together beyond credit cards, saving and asking for it. If any of my readers has any idea please post a comment about it!  If anyone wants to be generous and offer a gift of some kind I accept paypal to ha ha! Only half kidding there. If anyone did send us money to help us I would send anyone giving $1-9 a letter of thanks, $10-20 a simple sketch with the letter of thanks, $21 and up would get a framed drawing with a letter of thanks.

All tips and ideas are welcome in the comments so please help!

Friday, August 23, 2013

Bipolar Saving...or not

I have such a hard time deciding what to do these days. I have barely any money which limits what I do, if I want to do something that takes more I have to save up. If I need something specific I have to save up. My biggest problem? Being bipolar I can barely control myself when it comes to money. I don't know what I am going to do to combat this problem.  I try keeping a budget but I lose the paper or forget to track things or forget I am doing one at all.  You see I need to save up money for bus fare so I can get to med appointments and therapy, but its so hard! I can only donate two days each week. I spend the weekend for now out and about with my fiance so I am in the right area to donate without having to use more money to get out there on donation days. So far that is not working out so well because I end up using money to help feed us or have blankets to stay warm in the park where we sleep. I can not have him where I stay because we are not yet married and my parents won't let him stay there. I can not stay where he is because he lives in a homeless shelter. We can not be together in a shelter because we are not married. We can not marry because I am still legally married to my X. I wish that would just go away but the simplest way to do that is to wave my rights to my kids. I refuse to do that. I just wish I knew what to do.

What makes it worse is that I am still mourning my marriage. Not the loss of my husband per se' but the loss of the future I would have had, the loss of that family bond, the loss of my children. Did I give up too much to be free? Did my illness drive me to think I needed to be free? Will I ever know the answers? I can't say, at the moment I feel a huge no building in my mind. However, I do love my fiance and I adore the future he offers me, I just wish I could force my X to let my future include my children.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Random Mumblings of a Bipolar Sufferer

I wonder how many people have to deal with voices in their head? I have many but only two actually take an active role in my life. The one I think of as "me" and the one called "Kit". Kit is in her mid-teens, at one point she represented my prepubescent self, stuck at the age of about 11 years. Recently I have seen growth in her bringing her closer to oh 14-16 years of age emotionally and mentally.  She is what I consider my innocence. My lost youth that never got fully expressed. She is shy, loving, kind and compassionate. She is fast to love and quick to defend. She is the strength I lost during an abusive childhood and then never regained as just mine during an abusive marriage. My husband will never admit he abused me any more than my parents will. It is the trademark denial of an abuser. But the damage done lives on within me.

Most would seek treatment to get rid of such a thing, but not me. Never me. I love Kit and so does my fiance. She helps me deal with the sorrow of not seeing my own children and I think eases the pain of knowing he will never have children while with me. You see I had my tubes tied after my third child was born. There were many reasons for this. I usually just tell people about the health scare I had during delivery that drove me to it. But in all honestly that was the last straw. I could not allow a man who only wanted the children I could produce to have more children with me. I was done letting him do that to me. And as I expected, my usefulness expired along with my reproductive years.

A lot of people would say good riddance and a part of me is beginning to agree. However it is not that easy to begin to separate yourself from what you thought you were while living in such conditions as I had for eleven years. There was yelling, almost always he was yelling and I would yell back in an effort to be heard. Just once would someone please hear me without making my feelings into a personal attack? No. He was just like them. Loved me when it was good for him, hated me when he did not get his way. Only proud of me when he got what he wanted. Only happy when he got his way. If I tried to say how he made me feel and say I thought it might be better if we split he would yell for me to fuck off and get out. Then laugh as he reminded me I couldn't because he had moved me just far enough away from friends and family to keep me there. Through it all I became depressed and Kit became a constant companion, sometimes to the detriment of my children. I would sit and play on the computer talking to her and anyone online that would have anything to do with me. I would forget my children, forget the housework, forget my husband until he came home and the yelling began again with the reminders of how useless I was.

It never mattered that he never picked up after himself, throwing his clothes and shoes where ever he wanted despite discussions of putting them in certain spots. He taught the children that their mother was not to be respected or listened to then blamed me for their misbehavior. Our son hits our daughters and he wonders why...but I can't go there, I am not ready to admit that. I can't. For now I will admit that he belittled me, he ran me down until I ended up diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and eventually requiring a stay in a psychiatric ward in Warsaw, MO.

He asked for an open marriage so I gave it to him. He wanted to just see other people and live together so I did that too. He set me up as an unfit mother who whored around and made himself look like the pope. I will pay for allowing it to happen for the rest of my days, or at least until my children are old enough to come looking for me. I hope to god they do. I am trying so hard to stay in their lives but if he allows his fiance to keep blocking me out, what can I do? What can anyone do who suffers from a mental illness and has children? I messed up, I know now I should have left him along time ago, but there is no such thing as a time machine but honestly... had I left a long time ago I would not have met the man I now love. The man my youngest calls her Step-kitty. How can I long to change so much pain when it has brought me the joy of his love? Surely I can not truly wish for the past to be anything than it is. And so dear readers, I leave you with this thought: Pain can bring joy and joy can bring pain, but we will know none of it if we never risk any of it.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Gender Discrimination Is On The Rise

I have friends who orient themselves with a variety of genders and sexual orientations. I have sadly seen discrimination against each sexual orientation. Well, now I have even sadder news. Men and women have been discriminated against for different reasons at some point in time but now Femboys, males who enjoy wearing women's clothing without necessarily being gay are being targeted on Facebook. Being called things like Whores, Trash, and Sluts.  This horrendous activity has been seen most recently where I expected the most accepting people to be. Within the Furry Fandom. This sad attack on its fellow members and the art of them is just awful. No one seems to take issue with all of the yiff photos strewn across Facebook at any given time UNLESS it focuses on a femboy. People and Furs alike are forgetting that straight and gay furs are just as eager to find someone to cyber with on Facebook as femboys. Putting the blame on these individuals and not looking at the larger picture puts the Furry Fandom to shame. I say: How dare you?

My own sweet, loving mate is a Femboy and I am damn proud of him. I love when he dresses like a girl at home, in public, as a furry or as a person. I love when he finds the rare clean, cute and cuddly femboy photo online. If anyone wants to blame anyone for making a group look like sluts I think we should blame the artists and the people that PAY them for the slutty drawings. Put blame where blame is needed folks. Every single group has been targeted like this throughout history as they came out publicly. Have we not learned to accept our brothers and sisters for who they are? Have we not learned to stop stereotyping everyone? Where are the lessons learned through the deaths of so many interracial couples and gays? Are we truly to start the process of tolerance all over just because Joe Blow wants to wear his wife's bra?

The hardest part for me is the fact that this was brought to harsh realization by a Facebook page that promotes Furry Couples. How could a love promoting page turn to hate? Simply because ONE of its admins was allowed to post how they hate slutty femboys. When asked about it they reveal its all femboys not just ones that act a certain way and all are lumped together under that one heading for this hateful person. I hope everyone who reads this and has a Facebook account will go to the page and report them for their hate. It is absolutely sickening to this Furry Blogger. You can see this page here.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Real Letters Make a Come Back

Email, texting, tweeting, Facebook. They are all so impersonal. There is a strong resurgence in the pen-palling community with new people taking an interest in getting to know people one of the old fashioned way. Letters through the mail! I found several letter writing partners in Facebook groups based on pen-palling. I used to have a difficult time finding pen-pals before I discovered the internet. So I had lost interest. These days though things are so busy you don't always have time to get online and talk to everyone but its so easy to sit in a traffic jam and jot out a quick note to someone to send out when you pass a post office. I have recently discovered that many of these letter writing fanatics also enjoy swapping things like stickers, stationary, and other things. How fun is that? There is also a method of getting new people to write to by sending out a label bag. A Label Bag is a Ziploc bag you put your own mailing labels in and send to someone. They take one of yours and add their own. It goes on until all of yours are gone then they send the bag back to you! How neat is that?

Then the latest thing I have learned about is called journal swapping. I think its just plain fun! You take a small notebook and write in it for say a month. You can decorate it with whatever you want, stickers, crayons, colored pencils, whatever. You can also paste in articles that interested you, photos you liked, and more. When its full or the time limit set by the partners is reached you mail yours to your friend. There is another version where you write in it and send it to someone, they write in it and send it either back to you or to someone else and it goes on until it is filled. I love it!

So get out there and join us in pen-palling! Its so much fun :)